What Do You Fear Most?

 What do you fear most?

I'm usually at a loss on how to answer this question and it has just dawned on me why.

I fear that telling you I have fears will make you realize that I'm a failure at the art of being perfect for perfect people shouldn't have fears... I fear that it'll make you lose your high and lofty views of me and I'll lose your awe and adoration... will it be so?

(This paragraph is to let you see that my fears are just like most others: ridiculous and unfounded)

Well, I think the things I fear most are a combination of loss and failure.

Three big fears: I feared losing/failing in school (not getting the highest grades, not meeting the high expectations), losing in life (not achieving those lofty goals and ambitions), losing the one(s) I loved most.

And others: I fear going out to tell people about Jesus. The thought of starting up the conversation feels daunting. Practice should deal with this but it does makes me a bit ashamed that I fail on this one. (Oh! That's a form of shyness right? Why am I shy to talk about Jesus?)

I fear conflict. How do I even explain it? I don't want to cause offense or displeasure. This is not always but I feel like there are cases where I really need to come out clear and fight but instead I drag my feet.

I don't really fear losing material possessions but losing gadgets with vital memories and information hurts. I faced that and learnt a lesson in back ups 

Do I fear losing my life? Not as much as the first three things I mentioned, after all this world isn't my home, is it? And how do you even lose something that isn't yours?

Now, did being afraid stop any of those things from happening? Not at all. I've failed in school, failed in some life endeavors, lost people I loved (both to the great beyond and to personal choices that keep us apart; one hurts more than the other), I've lost opportunities... I've lost etcetera etcetera 

I've seen my own versions shege. I wouldn't want to face these things again if avoidable but you see, that's still fear and it's inevitable that I'll face some again.

Most times, when the thing we fear most happens, we then realize that our life doesn't disintegrate into meaningless nothing as we feared. The Big Bad doesn't chew us up and spew us out as useless glob.

It may chew us up for a breath

Those few terrifying moments when we struggle with that sinking feeling; when we feel completely underwater, devoid of breath and all...

This may last for a minute, an hour, months or years; for a moment differs for each one of us.

But no moment lasts forever. And so we come back up, above the water

We find our way out of the mud

We may crawl, we plod, we may skip, we may run... but we get out nevertheless

We don't get lost completely

Our lives don't get ended

And so we realize, that the Big Bad isn't bigger, isn't stronger, isn't meaner

The thing we fear most, can't completely do us in

We still have a hope to cling to

A living shimmering thread to hang on to.

We still remain in one piece

There could be or would be scars

But we're survivors nevertheless

We have zillions of moments in light to live

The thing we fear most, can't finish us up

It only makes us stronger when it happens

Life goes on, with an extra feather in our cap of lessons, adventures, experiences.

You won't get lost in the deep

He's with you in the storm

You aren't too frail to face this

The Greater One lives in you

You may fail today but not tomorrow

You could stumble

You could even fall

But it's not the end

You won't disintegrate into many meaningless pieces

You'll be held

In one piece

Whole

Full

Complete

Equipped to enjoy the thrills and weather the chills

Most times, when the thing we fear most happens, we then realize that our life doesn't disintegrate into meaningless nothing as we feared.

No, our lives go on

And we thrive

In amazing dimensions

It all just helps us realize,

How much we are

How much more we're capable of

How much more we can be

With or without what was taken